Game of Thrones – S7E4 – The Spoils of War

Previously on Game of Thrones, “The Queen’s Justice”

This was the episode that was promised. You just watched The Spoils of War, First of Its Name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Realm, and Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and HBO. The Khaleesi of Cable TV. The Breaker of Records and Snatcher of Edges. The Unburnt (though some folks did burn copies of the episode two days early), and Mother of Dragons and Ratings.

This episode is multiple orgasms and good credit. It’s the first sip of a perfect cup of coffee on a day when you ain’t gotta go to work. It’s the moment that direct deposit hits. It’s finding extra fries at the bottom of the bag when you thought you ate them all. It’s the smell of a newborn baby’s neck. It’s the sound of doves crying, angels singing, and Donald Trump shutting the fuck up.

It’s the best thing ever. And if you disagree, you the most wrong person to be wrong about something (right after Donald Trump).

Winterfell

Littlefinger presents Bran with the dagger meant to kill him back in season one because Littlefinger is like that creepy uncle who gives you lingerie for Christmas. He then tries to run his game on Bran, but Bran is so beyond knowing or caring about Littlefinger’s games. In fact, his third eye is so open that when Littlefinger mentions the word “chaos,” Bran quotes him with, “Chaos is a ladder.” This is something Littlefinger said when he confessed his intentions to Varys in the season three episode, “The Climb.”

Littlefinger was SHOOK.

Meera comes to say goodbye to Bran — she’s going home to be with her family when The Long Night comes — and since he’s now an emotionless Magic 8 Ball, it lacks the heart and gratitude she expected.

Arya arrives at the gates of Winterfell and is greeted by two guards who don’t yet know they need to put some damn respeck on her name. She’s eventually reunited with Sansa in the family crypt; a meeting that was way less awkward than I thought it would be. Well, save for the moment when Arya mentions her list of People I’m Going to Kill Dead and Sansa laughs it off as a joke. Sansa mentions that Bran is home as well, but then her face goes dark like she’s going to deliver the sad news that Rickon died, but the scene immediately cuts to Arya and Sansa meeting with Bran in The Godswood because apparently I’m the only one who remembers that kid existed.

Images: HBO

Sansa realizes her sister wasn’t kidding at all when Bran mentions Arya’s list (and the fact that Cersei is on it), and my head canon is that she was silently wondering if Arya would lose any sleep over killing Littlefinger. Bran gives the Valyrian steel dagger to Arya, who is a bit disgusted to learn Littlefinger is lurking about. Sansa warns that Littlefinger doesn’t do anything out of the kindness of his heart. Lady of Winterfell and Warden of the Obvious, that one.

My current read on Littlefinger is that the sudden arrivals of Bran and Arya feel like an opportunity to him. He may not yet know how he’s going to use them, but they represent possibility where before he wasn’t sure he had any chance of turning Sansa against Jon. They bring the possibility of chaos.

He may wanna slow his roll after witnessing Arya train with Brienne in the courtyard. Arya’s skill in the Braavosi style of swordplay shocks Brienne, then frustrates her, and finally earns Arya a measure of Brienne’s respect.

Dragonstone

Missandei is just about to spill all that scalding hot Grey Worm sex tea to her Queen when Jon interrupts to show Daenerys his etchings. Kidding. Kinda. He takes her to the mine of dragonglass and shows her ancient wall carvings that suggest The Children of the Forest and the First Men fought together against the White Walkers. This serves as the definitive proof Daenerys needs to commit to helping the North, even though Jon very well could have added the White Walkers drawing himself. (Shoutout to Danielle in our Facebook group for that joke). But that would have been a very Lannister thing to do, and we all know that even though he’s half Targaryen, Jon is the starkiest Stark to ever Stark.

Daenerys will help… as soon as Jon bends the knee.

P.S. These two are totally fucking.

Tyrion and Varys have the unenviable task of delivering the news about the siege of Casterly Rock and the developments at Highgarden. Davos and Jon try to mosey on out of the conversation since it has nothing to do with them, but Daenerys is hot and demands they stay put. She’s once again ready to go full-on Dracarys all over Kings Landing, but this time it’s Jon that talks her out of it. Burning your innocent subjects is bad, but ambushing a caravan of the enemy army is totally cool and she should absolutely do that… with a dragon.

While Daenerys prepares to give us the best 15 minutes ever captured on film, Davos and Jon have another conversation with Missandei that serves to do two things:

1. Guarantee that Jon’s parentage will come up again in a major way (besides Bran’s reveal) before the season is out and
2. Push me into the Team Cat Daddy Davos camp. He seemed ready to risk it all for Missandei with the Good Hair!

When Jon spots a Greyjoy ship approaching, he races to the beach because we all know how everyone feels about Greyjoys, even when they know the good guys are aligned with them. Theon thought he was already having the worst week ever, but seeing Jon took it to new pants-shitting levels. He actually delivered a “Oh, Jon. I didn’t know you were here” like all that traitorous and murderous shit didn’t go down between Theon and Robb. It’s only because he helped Sansa that there isn’t a Theon-shaped blood pool soaking into the sands of Dragonstone.

Theon wants to ask for Daenerys’ help in getting Yara back, but Daenerys ain’t home because…

Somewhere on a Road Alongside an Open Field, Which Will Go Down in History as the Site Where Shit Got the Realest It’s Been in Westeros in Centuries

The gold stolen from Highgarden (minus Bronn’s pay) is sent ahead to Kings Landing while the rest of the army escort the grain. With his gold on the way, Tychos Nestoris has warmed to Cersei and even offers a new line of credit once her old debt is paid. She’s definitely interested as it will help her pay for The Golden Company, an army of sellswords across the Narrow Sea.

Once they receive word that the gold has made it through the castle gates, Jaime and the Tarlys get to work making sure the grain does as well. Randyll Tarly wants to flog the slow soldiers because he’s terrible. He looks so disgusted when Jaime nixes that plan.

Dickon admits that war ain’t all it’s cracked up to be when the men you kill shit themselves when they die. Speaking of shitting oneself…

The Dothraki appear in the horizon, guided by the spirits of Khal Drogo and The Stallion Who Mounts the World. Well, that and they just really like killing. The Lannister soldiers brace for battle and Bronn tells Jaime he should head for Kings Landing, but Jaime isn’t about to leave his men. “We can hold them off,” he says.

Famous.Last.Words.

Daenerys arrives, flying atop Drogon, and hats off to every man who didn’t immediately run for the hills. Men are burned alive, trampled by Dothraki horses, and shot down with Dothraki arrows fired from riders standing on their galloping horses.

Jaime yells out commands like, “Spears and shields! Hold the line! Archers!,” and “Take cover!” but all I heard was, “Kiss your asses goodbye.” He tasks Bronn with manning Qyburn’s scorpion since he can’t do it one-handed. Instead, he takes on Dothraki on horseback and is saved from death by Dickon. Bronn’s time getting to the crossbow isn’t much easier, but he finally does. Drogon easily dodges the first giant arrow – in between burning up ALL THE WAGONS because if Team Dany ain’t eating, nobody’s eating — but Bronn gets lucky with his second shot.

Drogon is wounded, but not out. He sets the scorpion on fire, barely missing Bronn, and then slaps it with his wing, obliterating it. In my head, he said, “You hit like a bitch.” As Dany tries to remove the spear from Drogon’s side, Jaime sees his opportunity to end the war. He rides towards Dany’s back, spear in hand. From a nearby hilltop, Tyrion is like, “Oh, no, baby. What is you doing?”

Jaime is almost successful, but at the last second Dany turns around and Drogon gets all up in Jaime’s grill because what you not gonna do is stab his mama in the back. Bronn appears out of nowhere to propel him and Jaime into the nearby river. Their horses aren’t so lucky.

Whatever they’re paying Bronn, triple it.

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